Communicating with Aging Loved Ones

Changes in our aging loved ones can be scary and difficult, yet they offer an opportunity for strengthening relationships. Learning to communicate well and with patience is key, yet many dynamics impact our ability to do this successfully. Family communication styles are usually a sum of the family’s life experiences and learned traditions of working together. How does your family normally communicate and how are decisions usually made?

Sometimes we notice that our loved one’s communication skills, or lack of, become amplified with age. Again, patience is key. Too often the lack of effective communication can impact the progression of decisions and plans. Sometimes we must act as a formidable pillar as we slowly and steadily try to move forward to best meet the needs of our loved one and everyone involved. Below are some thoughts you may want to consider as you walk this path.

Tips for Communicating Well and With Patience

• Ask questions, share concerns and feelings.
• Recognize that much remains unsaid. This can be due to fear, confusion, or learned habit.
• Have your loved one share stories they’ve heard about other’s aging experiences, both positive and negative.
• Discuss how you have seen decisions get made and discuss how it has been working. Ask if the aging person is given adequate time with decisions.
• Have an open discussion about how to balance trust, power, dependence, and independence. Recognize the impact of presenting your own beliefs and opinions to others. It’s a delicate balance of give and take.
• Take notes or keep a journal to help identify patterns not only of concerns, but also strengths.
• It’s important to verbally acknowledge the strengths of the aging person as well as those involved in the circle of care. Remember to acknowledge our own personal limitations as well.
• Have a communication plan for those in the loved one’s circle of care. What is the preferred method of communication to keep everyone feeling included?
• Compromise. Begin with practical changes.
• Remember there is always grief, even with what may seem like a trivial loss related to their independence.
• Once a plan is in place, revisit with those involved in the decision. Give feedback, and acknowledge the issues that everyone in the circle of care faced.

Non-threatening Questions to Begin an Open Discussion With Aging Loved Ones

• How do you imagine your future older self?
• What do you imagine will be meaningful to you when you require more assistance?
• What gives meaning to your life?

Change and loss can cause ripples that everyone can feel. Effective communication can help keep the ripples from turning into swells during the crises that can occur with aging loved ones. A pattern of give and take in communication and decision making can steady the waters. Our ability to cope during this phase of life will be directly impacted by our willingness to acknowledge not only the physical limitations that can occur with aging but the emotional impact as well. Practice communicating using some of the above skills, and remember to practice patience. Life is too precious and too short to have regrets.

For more in-depth resources, I highly recommend two books: A Bittersweet Season by Jane Gross and My Mother, Your Mother by Dennis McCullough, M.D. Many of the above suggestions are reflective of both authors’ writings.